*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
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we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes