[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
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Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.