A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
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Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!