Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
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My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend