Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
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relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*