After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
You Might Also Like
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening