Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
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Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.