As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
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I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
🔦🌙👣
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too