I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
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me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*