Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
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We have a winner.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.