*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
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PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”