Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
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Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies