i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
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*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda