My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
You Might Also Like
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Fight
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”