Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
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ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
New favorite tiktok
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art