Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
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Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*