The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
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Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.