Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.

GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.

ME: It’s just SO big.

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.

*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?

I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras

Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.

I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood

[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please

The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg

[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”

CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent

What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!

My cat: Meow

Yes I know we have all the DVDs…

4: *hands me a broken toy*

Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it

4: ok but be careful next time

Me:

there’s probably a fee though

I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor

jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

me (hates gossip): no

Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.

Me: I’d rather just confess.

Detective: To what?

Me: Whatever

Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”

Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

There was romance over dinner last night.

Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.

Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.

Me: Same.

brain: bored

me: lots of stuff to do

brain: tired

me: resting is also good

brain: stressed

me: alright man

every. time.

if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.

How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:

1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable

They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.

Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.