I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
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“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
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—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job