I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
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ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
there’s probably a fee though
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I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
every. time.
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if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.