I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
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Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
checking out some reviews of my local library
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.