I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
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the answer was staring at me all along
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING
How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
that de-escalated quickly