Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
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Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
the rocks need my help
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs