5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
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Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
cats when you pet them too long:
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study