i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
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The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
it was love at first sight
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.