I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
You Might Also Like
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.