The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
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I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
🤣could you imagine
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.