I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
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it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.