Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
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I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*