Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
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Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’