My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
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My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Bruh PLEASE