Bruh PLEASE
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“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
i’m sure it’s fine
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.