i’m sure it’s fine
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It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Start the year as you intend to continue.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Sniffing the broccoli
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.