Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
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I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁