me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
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Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…