I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
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me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Ken is short for chicken
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.