I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
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Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.