You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
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Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.