When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
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I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.