Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
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We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
You got this…
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.