Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
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Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Google assistant rules
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”