[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
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EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*