Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
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HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.