[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
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It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)