Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
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‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through