@wildethingy

Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”

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@jakelikesnaps

[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]

MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.

ME: what’s for dinner tonight

BRAIN: what

@SkinnieTalls

It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.

@slimmy_shady

If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?

@TheAndrewNadeau

Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story

@AngelaEhh

Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:

Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.

kthanksbye

@GFGander

There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat

@hilaryfairie

I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁

@Vice_Queen

My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.

@meganamram

Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????

@AimeeHelene1

“And this is my creepy husband, John.”

(The way my friend should introduce her husband)