inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
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Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?