I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
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China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne