World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
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My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
lol
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit