[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
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Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
My dog ate my work from home.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
🤣😂🤣
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*