If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
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Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick