Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
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“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Do not steal food from the science building!
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT