@CopBroughtPizza thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
@Kyle_Lippert A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
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@CopBroughtPizza 
@Raoul_Duke_71 *Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
@mydmac I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
@IanDouglasTerry Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
@mommy_cusses *takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
@CulturedRuffian I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
@OtherDanOBrien *Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
@RobDenBleyker “Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
@Thynebear Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
@imchriskelly At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”