A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
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Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
that de-escalated quickly
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?