You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
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HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
This is me
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant