Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
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People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
This is my emotional support knife.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
“I’m helping” 😅
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”