At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
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{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Home is where your toilet is.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
*praying for world peace*
God:
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.