Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
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Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.